This is an old tale, told before on previous incarnations of Hell in a Handbasket. I’m repeating it now in case any recently acquired readers might have missed it before.

Although written with an eye towards maximizing the amusing factor, the basic facts are included. There was a van, a shiftless neighbor, and my unintended solution to a problem they both presented.

I had only moved in a few months previously. The dogs had picked out the spots they preferred in the back yard, and the grass on the front yard had only needed to be mowed once. It was summer, and my routine had settled down in response to the comings and goings of my new neighbors. Since I worked third shift, during the day I slept as well as I could.

One afternoon I was awakened by a furious pounding on the front door, the frame rattling from the blows. The dogs went ballistic, sounding the alarm just as furiously. I stumbled from my bed, carefully shutting the bedroom door with the beasts inside so I could open the front door without risking a lawsuit from a mauled visitor. It wasn’t until I was peering through the tiny windows set into the main entrance that I realized I had forgotten my glasses.

Oh, well. There wasn’t a pressing need to go back to get them because I could see well enough close up.

And what I could see through the door window was the guy who lived a few doors up the street from my new home, a large and unkempt man. He had been pointed out to me as the head of a family of thieves.

He was just standing there, filling my entire field of vision. Most assuredly not something I was happy about seeing upon waking. Since his hands were in plain view, I figured I would open the door and ask what he wanted.

The door swung open, we regarded each other for a moment, and then he spoke. “I’m parking my van on your lawn.” he stated.

That didn’t make a lick of sense to my sleep addled brain. Was I still asleep? But I was unable to banish the disgusting apparition standing in front of me, nor was I able to conjure scantily clad lingerie models in his place. Scantily clad lingerie models with donuts!

If this was a dream, it wasn’t going to turn out to be a good one.

The completely blank look on my face must have conveyed the fact that I had no idea what he was going on about, because he abruptly moved aside and let me see beyond his all encompassing bulk. Parked in my front lawn, straddling the sidewalk, was his decrepit and dripping conversion van.

The van rarely moved, which was a good thing since rust had eaten holes in the body on the passenger side. A huge cloud of evil blue smoke would blat out from the tailpipe every time the engine was fired up, and a trail of black oil drippings would indicate the path taken by the vehicle.

Judging by the tire marks in my turf, it seems that the engine had finally gasped its last as the van was returning from whatever low errand my neighbor had been about this sunny afternoon. Instead of taking the chance that he would have to get out and push the thing a few yards until it was parked in front of his own house, he had simply turned the wheel towards my lawn and let the tires bump over the curb. The fact that he hadn’t bothered to leave it in the street indicated that he was expecting repairs to take a goodly long time, and he was trying to avoid getting a ticket for a derelict vehicle in the meantime.

What would happen if he left it there? I could hear my grass screaming as it died!

After letting me get a good eyeful of the daunting wreck that had been run aground on my lawn, he hove back into view. The sight of his van and my yard was mercifully cut off. Although beginning to feel a blood-vessel-bursting rage descend upon me, I decided to start out nice and polite before calling the police and having my neighbor arrested for dumping toxic waste.

“You can’t park in my lawn.” I said calmly and reasonably.

His response was to curl his lip in a sneer, contempt dripping from every pore!

Then his eyes slowly crawled down my form, heading for my nether regions. I was about to get really upset when his gaze stopped around my crotch area. He dropped the sneer, his eyes bulging. He looked very surprised!

“Alright, I’ll move my van!” he said in a tremulous voice, turning on his heel and leaving my porch at a very brisk pace. Any faster and he would have broken into a dead run.

What the hell? Was my fly open? I could see why he had suddenly become impressed! But I figured I had better zip up before the mail carrier saw me, and decided to ban me from deliveries for life.

My hands went to my fly like they have countless times before. But this time, something hard and unyielding slammed into my most private of private parts!

What had caused the damage? The rear sight on my 9mm autoloader!

The pain put me on the ground. I managed to swing the door closed with my feet before I curled around the throbbing, and whimpered for a time.

It seems that my first impulse upon being jolted awake is to pick up the handgun I keep next to my bed. I was so sleepy, and so distracted by my efforts to peer through my bleary vision, that I just never realized that the gun was in my hand even though I had been taking unconscious care to keep it pointed in a safe direction.

This explains the strange reaction my neighbor had. He was staring at the handgun, not my oh-so-manly and strangely alluring crotch. He had turned and run away because he could tell I was getting upset, and figured it was a bad idea to piss off an armed man.

Why had he parked his van on my grass in the first place? I figure it was a test of will. He wanted to see how much the new guy on the block would let him get away with. I suppose he decided that he had lost that little contest, since he moved the van within the hour.

Since that time, neither my neighbor nor his equally unpleasant brood have exchanged a single word with me. At times I catch them sneaking glances my way out of the corner of their eyes, but they have made a point of leaving me strictly alone for the past decade. Although there have been various incidents of petty crime around the cul-de-sac since then, I have so far been spared the annoyance.

Which is all to the good. I hate being awoken in the middle of my sleep cycle.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, March 16th, 2010 at 11:43 am and is filed under Funnies, Home Security, Pictures. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.